Like cars, some boats are built for speed, others for functionality. Some are rebuilt classics, while others are untouched vintage beauties. Every boat has its own individual personality. So, The Captain pondered, if boats were cars, what would they be?
1. CAMCRAFT — SUBARU WRX
The Camcraft would be a Subaru WRX. Both known for evading the fuzz at high speeds, these babies grip like an abalone on a rock.
2. THE CAPTAIN’S 445F — PORSCHE 356
Old but cool, the Haines Hunter 445F and Porsche 356 share a diminutive stature and timeless shape. They both have open tops and are both loved by old dudes and respected by young folk.
Any lack of straight-line speed is remedied by solid handling in the corners. Usually active on nice weekends, these favourites offer big kicks in little packages.
3. FORMULA 233 — FORD FALCON PHASE 3 GTHO
Formula 233 would be a Phase 3 Falcon GTHO. With the right hands on the wheel, these muscle machines make grown men weak at the knees.
They are usually well-preserved thanks to fastidious owners who are prone to occasional bouts of fuel-injected fanaticism. Built for a purpose, it’s hard to spot an ugly one. The Formula and the Phase 3 will remain kings of their domain for many years to come.
4. STABICRAFT 2050 — LAMBORGHINI COUNTACH
Both fully imported from exotic faraway lands — Italy and, er, New Zealand —these babies share an angular appearance, forward cabin design and are often found in bold colours, especially red.
Recognisable by their tough attitude, these bad boys stick to the surface like a squidSikaflexed to a beach ball. They’ve got grunt in reverse, too. Bonus feature: extra-wide windscreen for spotting birds.
5. CRUISE CRAFT595 — BMW M5A
Cruise Craft 595 would be a BMW M5. Built for travelling in style, this pair oozes class.
Despite strong appeal in the older demos, they’re not sneezed at by the young bucks who charge hard on the weekend when Dad throws them the keys. Bonus feature: armrests come standard.
6. OLD QUINNIE — SERIES LANDROVER
An old Quinnie would be a Series Landrover. Their respective owners will do anything to keep these geriatrics operational, swearing they’re the best thing since Brooke Shields set the eye candy bar high in The Blue Lagoon.
The more beat-up they get, the better they seem to look. Reliability issues are only matched by their owner’s ability to talk about them.
7. HAINES HUNTER V19 — HOLDEN KINGSWOOD
A Haines Hunter V19 would be a Holden Kingswood. They’ve had more owners than Caitlyn Jenner’s had facelifts — and just as many modifications.
They’re still a favourite, no matter how ugly they look, because most people can remember riding in one. Originals are a bit hard to find, particularly in their original colours. Warning: approach owners with caution.
8. KIWI WHITE POINTER SPORTS CRUISER — TOYOTA LANDCRUISER
A White Pointer Sports Cruiser would be a Toyota Land Cruiser Sahara. They’re not built for speed, but when they get up a head of steam you better get out the way. Beards, jeans and brown leather boots come standard with each, along with copious refrigeration and state-of-the-art electronics that seldom get used.
Found in serious environs, the LandCruiser and Kiwi White Pointer always get the job done and are home in time for supper. They can often be tribal and like moving in packs. Easily spotted at distances because they’re usually sporting more aerials than a weather station.
9. SHARK CAT — EH HOLDEN STATION WAGON
Both share a horrible ride around corners and the ergonomics of a lamppost, but that hasn’t slowed down the growing appreciation for the sweeping lines of these two Australian classics.
Once you’ve removed the rust and cobwebs, they’re also pretty handy for moving bulky loads. Their owners wear the “Classic, Not Plastic” badge with pride.
10. RIVIERA — RANGE ROVER VOGUE EDITION
If you’re more concerned with impressing your work colleagues than actual, sensible stuff that works, then you’re probably riding in one of these overpriced palaces already.
Don’t let build quality sway your opinion — rest assured that the oil industry thanks you for your frequent generous support at the petrol bowser. See you in Noosa for the Easter break!
11. STANDUP PADDLE BOARD — SCOOTER
No licence, no money, no mates and no shame. Well, no worries. Just grab ya sled and start to shred.
Burn calories while burning legitimate users at the same time.
12. NAIAD RIB — HUMVEE
Often found in treacherous, potentially life-threatening situations, these military-grade marques are not afraid to bounce off their counterparts during operations.
Good grip, heaps of horsepower and invasion-grade, steel-encased cabins allow their owners to charge forward with confidence.